Neat people never make the kind of discoveries that I do.
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If you don't want it to fall down, put it on the floor.
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If you're thirsty, drink water.
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Buy the best and only cry once.
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Just because you planned it that way doesn't mean you weren't lucky.
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The scenery doesn't change much if you're not the lead dog.
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No one ever says "It's only a game" when they are winning.
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Good enough never is.
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I used to be completely clueless but since then I've done a complete 360.
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The word gullible isn't in the dictionary ... look it up if you don't believe me.
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When I was younger I always wanted to be somebody ... I should have been more specific.
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Nobody is completely worthless. (If nothing else, they can serve as a bad example.)
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Without freedom of speech we would not know who the idiots are.
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Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either.
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Welcome to assumption club. I think we all know why we're here.
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That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks right by you .
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You never know what you have until you clean your room.
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Good moms let you lick the beaters, great moms turn them off first.
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Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid .
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If you stand by the sea it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
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I'm terrified of elevators and I'm taking steps to avoid them.
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Am I getting older or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
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Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
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Taller people sleep longer in bed.
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Well to be frank, I'd have to change my name.
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Shop local! Because Amazon won't sponsor your kids baseball team .
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Dear algebra, please stop trying to find your X. She's gone and
never coming back and don't ask Y.
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
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Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
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In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
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There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
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If you think nobody cares, try missing a payment.
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Some folks are wise, some are otherwise.
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I think I am, therefore I am, I think.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
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I run like the winded
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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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